Are you tired?

I’m tired.

I’m tired of getting yet another phone call telling me someone I care about has taken his or her life. I’m tired of wondering what I could have done but not knowing until it was too late. I’m tired of losing people who should be alive making their legacy, but instead I’m hearing elegies of a life cut short. And I am exhausted talking about actions to stop it only for them to lose momentum to the passage of time and the schedules we all try to keep.

West Hollywood lost one of its best nearly a month ago. Caesar Torres, in so many ways, was the life force of the community. He was the kind of person who bucked the LA stereotype because he didn’t ask “What can you do for me?” but instead asked “How can I help you?”

Caesar Torres

When Impulse first launched Caesar was the first bar manager to offer his space to us to host an event. It was in that moment I realized this person had the genuine heart of someone who cared passionately for the community in which he lived. Caesar had an energy that drew people to him. His close friends were family, and when you spoke with him, you felt you had known him your whole life. His smile would light up the club in a way the elaborate lighting system just couldn’t. When you were with him, you were home.

When we lost Caesar, we lost a light that can never be replaced.

Suicide does not discriminate. When it takes someone the hurt they feel doesn’t go away with them, it transfers to those they love. Our community is hurting, it’s aching, we’re broken. We need to heal but to do so we must not look outward to find a remedy but rather inward.

There is something happening in our community. Something wrong. We are lacking the compassion that we as humans need. We aren’t treating others how we would like to be treated. We have become isolated in the silos our own self. Social media has made our world more connected than ever and while that has made our world better it has also had negative consequences. We use our screens as shields. We forget that a real person exists and lives behind a social media profile. This behavior found its way offline and has permeated into our clubs, our cities, our lives.

When did the LGBTQ community stop being a community? Where did we lose our sense of empathy? I don’t want to use this moment to go back and retrace our steps, but rather to harness this moment to propel us forward. We can use this to regain what exists in all of us: our inherent desire to be the best versions of ourselves. It’s easier to do the wrong thing, but it’s never as beneficial as the right thing, even though that’s the harder journey. Mental health is something that will always differ person to person. It isn’t something that always makes sense. How can someone that is so loved and always surrounded by those who care deeply for him feel so alone?

In order to effectuate this, we have to start being comfortable being uncomfortable. We all have to stop turning blind eyes to those we see struggling, even if they seem so strong. We must start reaching out to our friends if we feel we can’t go forward. We need to start making genuine connections because without them we will never thrive, and we will never truly live.

Are you tired?

Well it’s time we wake up because have work to do. We need to get energized. We need to shed our survivor’s guilt. We can’t save those we’ve lost but we can make sure their memories motivate us on the path forward because it takes all of us to make this effort. We need to dig deep down and make a daily commitment to this. We need to channel our inner Caesar and ask:

“How can I help you?”

Watch “GAYish” Episode 3: The Red Dress – Starring Alaska Thunderfuck, Manila Luzon and Jai Rodriguez to learn how we should love each other:

José Ramos

About The Author:

José Ramos is the founder and president of Impulse Global. Impulse Group Los Angeles is the founding chapter of this international group of volunteers and friends dedicated to promoting healthier sexual lifestyles among gay men. With support from the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, it works to create campaigns, events and online content to reach all generations of gay men.

3 thoughts on “Opinion: Tired of Losing Those You Love to Suicide?”

  1. The problem lies not in the the gay community. Our brains and processes have been hijacked by technology. People care more about the click and likes they receive on their phones than they do about someone sitting at the table with them. Go into any bar or restaurant and you see it everywhere. In the gay community most are checking Grinder, or BBRT and anyone of dozens of sites holding the promise of there might be someone better or hotter than what is right here. The technology has captivated all of us and consistenly feeds us though facebook or instagram…or just plain news. Do you think that these companies do not know what they are doing? They hire experts to keep us engaged through technology.
    If you want to see how addicted you might be, just turn your internet off when you are out and only use the phone to talk. Texting is another way to keep us from connecting to another. Symbols should not replace how we feel. We are learning to detach from each other and the consequences are real.
    We cannot know for sure why someone feels so alone that they want to die, but what we can do is not let technology take over. Make an effort to look a person in the eye when you are sharing a meal or having a coffee. Let others know how important they are by not using your phone when you are together.
    I work with many folks with helping them to navigate this techonological world. The mind will honor the one who provides the most rewards (dopamine).
    I cannot tell why Cesar did what he did but what I can imagine is that perhaps he felt so alone that he was unable to find true connection for himself.

  2. Mental Health Resources For The Gay Community need to be free and easily accessible no matter if the client can pay or not. It’s a problem that is based in for profit therapist systems and psychologist who are also profit model based. If some one in weho wanted to see a therapist for low cost where is the access to that and or medication? There is a long waiting list at both being alive and or the center. West Hollywood could do a better job in how it serves the gay community in mental health

  3. As a gay man who understands the importance of a supportive community, it saddens me to realize how disconnected gay men are becoming from each other. The essence of gayness is love. We come out to love freely, and yet many of us who broke free from living a closeted life and moved to gay neighborhoods such as WEHO, Castro, or Chelsea are not finding a nurturing connection under the rainbow flag. It is even worse for many gay men of color who often feel marginalized within the community. The experience of being a minority within a minority places them at higher risk for discrimination. When as a community we don’t strive toward building a safer and more welcoming environment, it fragments the rainbow of our unity.
    Many gay men that I have the privilege of listening to reported feeling humiliated by how they were rejected by other gay men. For example, a number of gay men who are relying on apps such as Grindr, Scruff, or Tinder reported the rejection takes on a more brutal level on those apps. The shame they experience is often a result of being negatively judged about their looks, age or ethnicity. Such shaming experiences make these men build walls and avoid connection. It is not uncommon for these men to experience depression, suicidal ideations. and health related problems that not only stem from feeling estranged from the gay community, but also growing up with homophobic mistreatment.
    As a gay man who understands the importance of a supportive community, it saddens me to realize how disconnected gay men are becoming from each other. The essence of gayness is love. We come out to love freely, and yet many of us who broke free from living a closeted life and moved to gay neighborhoods such as WEHO, Castro, or Chelsea are not finding a nurturing connection under the rainbow flag. It is even worse for many gay men of color who often feel marginalized within the community. The experience of being a minority within a minority places them at higher risk for discrimination. When as a community we don’t strive toward building a safer and more welcoming environment, it fragments the rainbow of our unity.
    We are given tools of technology without the consciousness of knowing how to use them in service of embracing oneness. This is a missed opportunity, and one of the reasons why so many gay men feel disconnected from each other. The disconnection also comes from turning these apps to a hunting ground. As human beings our ancestors were hunters. Having sexual desire without the participation of our higher self to facilitate such fulfilment can create such a hunting environment. This intense quest for hooking up not only happens on apps but also at bars and clubs. Gay men need to stop hunting each other and start loving each other. This issue of objectifying one another on hook up sites is not just limited to gay men. Humanity in general is creating a mess out of the tools of technology…..
    https://drpayam1.blogspot.com/2018/03/healing-our-fragmented-rainbow.html

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